


we are all somewhere in the middle

by Valery_Snowflakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, M/M, also mention of homophobic language, it's dark in general but it has a nice ending, light angst with a positive ending, struggles of bisexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 07:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13026639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valery_Snowflakes/pseuds/Valery_Snowflakes
Summary: He’ll have to deal with his identity and his sexuality and all of the weird shit his brain makes, he knows, but it’ll be alright. He hopes it will be alright. He hopes for a lot of things, actually, thinks so much and sometimes doesn’t stop. Things get really bad and become overwhelming when his brain refuses to shut up.Or where Dan struggles when he realizes that he likes girls the same way he likes boys.





	we are all somewhere in the middle

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm really nervous about this one.  
> Yesterday I came out to my mum as bisexual and gender dysphoric, but she only accepted one of the two. She was very transphobic and while that hit me hard I understood this was something that we'd have to work through, so to distract me from my mind I wrote.  
> I'd like to make clear that most of what I talk about in this story are things that I've been through, not things I imagined. This fic is way more personal than anything I've written before, but I still want to put this out in the hopes it will help someone, and to express myself, too, because I feel like this is important.  
> In no way do I claim to know neither Dan's nor Phil's sexuality, their relationships with the people around them, or how this people behave. This is purely a work of fiction in which I intend everything but to interfere with their personal lives and what they do, feel, think or say. That being said, I hope you enjoy this.  
> Trigger warnings for homophobia, transphobia and homophobic language.
> 
> Title's from A Great Big World — Everyone Is Gay

Dan’s seven the first time he sees a gay man in the flesh.

  He is sitting in their living room, portfolio in one hand and phone in the other. He’s not tall, or skinny. He has dark skin and round cheeks and he doesn’t smile as much as Dan would expect him to. There are crinkles under his eyes and he has dark brown curls that fall weirdly over his eyes.  

  His mum doesn’t seem to mind, though. She smiles and makes small talk and quietly leaves the room when his father comes in.

“Who’s him?” Dan asks, trailing behind her like a lost puppy. “What’s he doing?”

“He’s Jeremy, I think. A friend of your father’s.” She answers, mechanically reaching for a kettle and pouring in it some water.

“He has a strange behaviour.” Dan says, then, stepping aside to let her put the kettle in the stove.

“Does he?” His mother shrugs, starts reaching for the tea box they’d bought for Christmas.

“He does.” Dan assures, frowning. “Do you think he’s bad?”

“I don’t think your father gets along with bad people, no. Being different doesn’t equal being bad, honey.” And Dan forces himself to remember that, to have it constantly present.

  There’s a small shift in the air of the room and his mother sighs, bends over to be around his height.

“He’s gay,” she says, swallowing. “He likes boys.”

“Oh,” Dan says, eloquently, and his mother gives him a pat on the shoulder. “Does he know?”

  Mrs. Howell snickers, nods.

“Yeah, he does. Not a lot of people do, though.”

“Why?” Dan knows something about gay people, he thinks, _he should know_.

“It’s a secret,” she says, then she pauses to collect her thoughts. “Some people don’t like gay people.”

  Dan blinks, tries to search for a possible answer.

“Why? Have they done something bad?” His mum shakes her head, bites her bottom lip.

  _This is not enough_ , Dan thinks, _there’s gotta be a reason, there’s always a reason. He just doesn’t know it yet._

  After a few tries it becomes clear his mum doesn’t know it, either, or if she does then she isn’t telling; so Dan switches the question.

“Do you dislike gay people?”

  There’s a shift in the mood, Dan can feel the air thickening by every passing second. His mum pauses, starts playing with the loose strands of her knit sweater like she does when she’s nervous.

“I don’t hate them,” she settles for saying, and Dan huffs.

“That’s not what I asked,” he says, but then his mother shoots him the Warning Eyes™ and he’s forced to look sheepish.

“That’s the only answer you’re getting.” She deadpans, brown eyes boiling with anger. “Now, go give our guest this tea while I check on your brother’s crib.”

  She disappears through the hallway and Dan huffs, rubs his eyes and picks up the tray with the cups of tea before heading in silence to the living room.

 

  Three days later Dan bursts into his parents’ room, Civics textbook in one hand and empty questions on the other one. His mum is standing near his new-born brother’s crib, rocking Adrian gently back and forth in a weak attempt to make him go back to sleep.

“There isn’t a reason.” Dan says, out of breath after having ran all the way from the front door, leaving his dad in the car after an hour long talk about homosexuality. “I don’t get it.”

  Mrs. Howell frowns, speaks in hushed whispers as to not wake her youngest son up.

“A reason to what, dear? What are you talking about?”

“I talked with dad about his friend,” Dan says, leaning against the doorframe. “And he said people don’t like gays because they’re different, but you said being different doesn’t equal being bad, so I don’t get it. There’s no real reason behind their logic.”

  His mother huffs, shrugs awkwardly.

“Sometimes people don’t like people, Dan,” she says, and there’s annoyment in her tone. “Go change your clothes.”

  That’s her final, Dan realizes, so he huffs and marches to his room.

 

  The first time Dan kisses a guy he’s fourteen and very confused as to why he doesn’t hate it.

  The other guy – Michael, his brain supplies, they’ve been classmates since Year Four – pulls back instantly, starts wiping his tongue with the sleeve of his jumper in a way that makes Dan scoff because they’d barely touched lips.

“Was it that gross?” Asks one girl that’s sat beside Dan, she is fiddling nervously with the hem of her shirt, and Michael nods furiously.

“The worst, never kissing a boy ever again.”

  Dan deflates a little. Michael’s fun and attractive but definitely not his type.

“What about ya’, Howell? How was your experience with kissing guys?” Someone asks, and Dan huffs, pretends to puke.

“It sucked,” he lies, distracts the attention by leaning across everyone to spin the bottle.

  It lands on a girl and he dares her to take her bra off. Some boys whistle but she nods and valiantly snakes her arms under her pyjama top to get rid of it without showing any skin.

  They conclude the dare as successful and spin the bottle again, Dan tries to ignore the heavy ache in his chest until everyone else goes to sleep.

 

  Dan’s sixteen the first time he wanks while thinking of a boy, and it hurts.

  It doesn’t hurts because Dan hasn’t wanked before, no, he’s been wanking ever since he was old enough to actually know what it meant. And it wasn’t because of how much his arm hurt after physically pleasing himself.

  It hurts because there are only two web pages open on his browser, one being “Twink boy gets his ass blown” in full HD and the other being an AmazingPhil video.

  Immediately after the fog of his climax starts to clear, there are tears clouding his eyes and Dan forces himself to close the goddamn porn site, fingers hovering over the watch button in “cockslut boy gets wrecked by daddy” a little too long.

  The page changes back to YouTube, where a blue-eyed, black-haired man stares right back at him through the shitty computer screen. Phil has no shirt on and lies in a compromising position, and it hurts, because Dan just wanked to a boy that isn’t even aware of his existence. 

  He cries silently into his pillow, muffles his screams and his tears and the next morning when his dad tells him to be more careful with his laptop volume he curtly nods, tries to joke about telling his girlfriend to keep it quiet next time, and then he tries to hold back the tears because he just wanked himself to a man while having a girlfriend.

 

  It’s not the first time Dan’s been called a fag, ever since he was a child he’s been called definitely worse things, but it is the first time he’s been called a faggot by someone he deeply cares about.

  His girlfriend starts at him with an utter look of disbelief, mouth agape and hands balled into fists. She stands there for what feels like an eternity, looking back and forth between Dan and his laptop's’ screen until she starts crying, screaming and howling and _shit_ , Dan thinks, _I fucked up._

  She looks at him with rage, cold eyes burning holes through his skull and Dan whines, tries to avoid her gaze.

“You’re a fucking…”

“Fag?” Dan supplies, walks over to his laptop and closes the lid, buries his porn history full of gay sex. “Come on, babe, that’s so weak. You can do better than that.”

“Fuck you, Daniel, fucking fuck you and your cock thirsty fucking ass,” she spits, picking up all her scattered clothes from their cheap hotel room. “Don’t ever call me babe again. No, actually  scratch that, don’t ever fucking call me again. Fuck you.”

  She takes her backpack from the door and pushes all of her discarded clothes inside, rearranges her skirt as good as she can.

“We have to take a flight together in two days,” he says, trying to keep his cool. “And you have nowhere to stay. Come on, I’m pretty sure we can talk this over.”

“Fuck you, Dan! Fuck you!” She shakes her head, tries to slip into her trainers without having to untie them. “You have a history full of gay sex that extends to God fucking knows where and you have the audacity to leave that just lyin’ around? Like, I’m your goddamn girlfriend for Christ’s sake! You’re supposed to wank to me, not to some weird dude on the internet! Fuck you.”

  Dan shrugs, tries to look as ashamed as he can.

“I like boys,” he says, suddenly, and he wants to cry because it’s the first time he’s said it out loud.

“I don’t give a damn,” she says, and Dan sees her fiddle with the doorknob. “Go ask a boy to fuck you, then, because we’re fucking done.”

  She leaves running and Dan feels like she takes a part of him with her.

 

  “I like boys,” Dan confesses. “I... I’ve wanked off to boys, you know.”

  He suddenly regrets his decision of not making this through a video call, right now he’s unable to see the expression on Phil’s face, to take in how badly this is affecting him.

“That’s okay,” Phil says. His voice is a whisper, and somehow it makes Dan feel even worse. “I like boys, too.”

“You like cock, then?” Dan asks, trying to keep his voice steady. He needs Phil to really understand this, to know that he likes boys in a way that’s not friendly at all. “Because I do.”

“I like to suck dick, yeah.” Phil says, and Dan nods, even though Phil can’t see him. “I’ve only done it once or twice, but I can confirm I like dudes.”

“Okay,” Dan breathes, clings tight onto his pillow. “I just… wanted to make that clear, before we meet tomorrow. You said yesterday that what you liked most about us is that there weren’t any secrets in between and I… I felt bad, like I’d been lying to you or something.”

“It’s okay,” Phil assures, and Dan knows it is because he knows that voice, he can imagine Phil sprawled out in his bed, phone in one hand and a handful of his covers on the other. “I’d been meaning to tell you, too, wanted to wait until you were here in my arms so that I could see your reaction with the follow-up, but I guess now’s as good time as any.”

“What follows?” Dan breathes into his pillow.

“I like one very specific boy,” Phil admits, and Dan closes his eyes, braces for whatever might follow. “And it’s you.”

“I like you, too,” Dan whispers, smiling. “I like you loads.”

“I like you more,” Phil states, and Dan nods, feels like a heavy weight is lifted off of him.

“Why don’t you hang up and tell me that tomorrow, face to face, instead?” Dan asks, and he can hear Phil smile.

“I will,” there’s a pause and, “goodnight, Dan.”

“Goodnight, Phil. Sleep tight.”

“Don’t let the heteros bite.” Phil chuckles, there’s some ruffling from his side of the line. “Oh, just to leave things clear: I’m bi.”

“Bi?” Dan asks, but then realization dawns on him and he nods. “I’m yours.”

  Dan thinks he can hear Phil choking on his own spit.

“Why don’t you hang up and tell me that tomorrow, face to face, instead?” Phil repeats, so Dan does.

  He sleeps clutching phone tight to his chest, thanking every known deity for this opportunity.

 

  He gets a message from his brother when he’s on the train back from Manchester.

 _‘what’s a twink’_ it reads, and Dan facepalms because he really needs to start being more careful with his browser's history.

 _‘me’_ he sends, and then regrets it because now Adrian’s probably gonna click on it _.  
__‘it’s a virus don’t open it. btw what are u doing with my laptop?’_

 _‘u took your laptop with u what u on abt m8’_  
_‘idk someone @ school just called a friend of mine that’_  
 _‘i was curious, thought u’d know’_  
 _‘r viruses bad or why did they call him a twink’_

  Dan sighs, bites his lip.

 _‘someone called a friend of my brother’s a twink, why are kids so mean :(’_ He texts Phil.

 _‘only a dumbass would call a child a twink, are there any teachers nearby you can talk with?’_ He texts his brother.

 _‘yeah but now this boy is crying cause my friend punched him’_ Adrian texts back.

  _‘treat your friend to a biscuit, i’ll take you to buy some more when i get back home.’_

_‘ok i will, thnks bro.’_

  There are some emoji hearts and then.

_‘btw u can say ur a virus all u want but i still think ur amazing no matter what’  
  ‘i don’t care if u r a twink or not i still luv u’_

  Hope swells in Dan’s chest and he sends a few emoji hearts, too.

 _‘i like boys’_ He texts.

 _‘is he cute’_ Comes the reply and, damn, if this boy isn’t intelligent.

_‘pretty handsome’_

_‘is he ur byfriend’_

_‘yeah’_

  Dan waits anxiously as the three grey dots appear and disappear over and over again, until finally one last message pops up.

_‘r u bringing him over 4 xmas’_

_‘idk’_  
  _‘maybe’_  
 _‘maybe i’ll go north with him again’_

_‘oh okay’  
  ‘well i want northern biscuits then’_

_‘deal’_

  Dan pockets his phone and leans against the window, watches old buildings and landscape as they pass by.

  His phone buzzes and when he takes it out there’s a message from Phil there.

_‘idk dan :(’  
  ‘is he okay?’_

  _‘i came out to my_ brother’ Dan types, hits send before he can regret it.  
_‘and yeah, we’re both okay’_

  Phil answers with multi-coloured hearts and a smiley face.

 

  Talking with his father is easier somehow.

  They’re walking through the aisles of Tesco, picking up things and putting them in the cart only to stack them in random shelves later on because they are suddenly not feeling like them anymore.

  His dad picks up a chocolate box and stares at it for a long time.

“This is staying,” he tells Dan, and Dan nods like he’s done the last twenty times. He’ll know they’ll end up placing it back on a shelf next to lettuce or some weird shit.

  His dad resumes his gift searching and Dan huffs, starts looking at the shelves too because there’s nothing else to do when his eyes land on a blue box. It displays a chocolate lion on the front part and there’s a small chocolate heart next to it.

“Lion-shaped chocolates.” His dad reads aloud, shoots him a questioning look. “Whom are those for?”

“Phil,” Dan answers truthfully, placing them in the cart and shooting his dad the _‘this is staying whether you want it or not’_ look.

“Ah, the Northern YouTube boy, right? The one you’re seeing in a couple of weeks?” His dad asks, and Dan blushes.

“In a week, actually,” he corrects, brushing a strand of his fringe behind his ear. “We’re going to a party, thought this might be appropriate.”

“It’s nice to see you having friends you care deeply about,” his dad shrugs, starts walking again. “You are always smiling when you talk about him, it makes me worry sometimes.”

“What would be worrying is if I didn’t smile while thinking about him. He’s my boyfriend, after all.”

  His dad doesn’t stop walking, just nods and picks up another weird chocolate box from the shelves.

“Well, when will I get to meet him, then? You can’t just have a boy and never invite him over, Dan, I've raised you better than that.”

  Dan lets go of the air he’d been holding in, smiles.

“Hopefully soon. After I tell mum, I guess.”

  His dad nods, shoots him a smile and goes back to inspecting the chocolates again.

“Well, good luck. And tell him that I expect you back before your curfew in the state you were in when you left.”

  Dan knows that, when he comes back, there’s a high chance of him having hickeys everywhere and nail scratches on his back. He doesn’t tell his dad that, though, just nods and promises that he’ll be a good boy.

  He won’t, but his dad doesn’t need to know that.

 

  Talking to his mum is harder, Dan thinks, he doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. He’s afraid of a lot of things, and he knows she won’t be as understanding as his dad and brother were, that she may have a lot of things against him.

  He tells this to his grandma over the phone, asks her for advice. She may have never finished school and never learnt how to read but if there’s one thing she knows about more than everyone else is her daughter.

“Explain yourself,” is the only thing she says. “Your mum isn’t very fond of, how did you call them? Non-heteronormative people? I think it was that, yeah. Well, she isn’t really kind towards them, is she?” She laughs and Dan nods, bites his lip. “I don’t know why, honey, she’s just always been like that. She’ll probably not believe you right off the bat, she might be in denial even after you talk things through with her. Give her some time, honey, she may be old but she isn’t dumb. And she loves you, too.”

“I love her, too,” Dan whispers, sighs. “And I love you, too, thanks granny.”

“Don’t worry, my dear. Oh, and tell this Philip boy that I expect him to be accompanying you whenever you drop by again, got it?”

  Dan laughs, ruffles his hair.

“Okay, I will. Thanks.”

 

“I like boys.” Dan states, braces himself for his mum’s reaction.

“How would you know?” She asks, shakes her head. “Dan, I think you’re just attracted to the idea of boys, I can’t imagine you kissing another dude on the lips.”

“Well, I can.” Dan breathes in, he can do this. “I’ve done that before, actually, more than once.”

“You have?” She closes her book, looks at him with a look of utter disbelief.

“Yeah. Urm, there was that Year Nine sleepover where I kissed Michael, and a few days after Christmas two years ago I made out with a guy in the back of a club. And when I was in France I actually gave someone a blowjob after I broke things off with my girlfriend.”

“Oh, dear.” His mum blinks, looks ready to say something else, but Dan hasn’t finished, not yet.

“And there’s Phil,” he says.

“There’s Phil?” His mum echoes, blinking. “What does that even mean?”

“Well, he’s my boyfriend. Has been for quite some time, actually.”

“He’s your what, now?” Mrs. Howell blinks, digs her nails in the armrest of the couch. “For how long has this been going on?”

“A lot, to be honest.” Dan breathes out, starts playing with the loose strands of his sweatshirt. He can do this. “I first wanked off to him when I was sixteen.”

“Dear God.”

“And we started dating last year, after I first went to spend a week with him in Manchester” he adds in a whisper, hopes she hears it because he doesn’t think he has the strength to say it again.

“Holy Christ, Dan.” There’s a pause and she runs her hand through her hair, starts playing with the hem of her jumper. “Are you done?”

“I want to bring him over for my birthday,” Dan says, and then he nods. “Now I’m done.”

  His mum huffs, starts tapping a tune he doesn’t recognise against her knees and Dan waits, waits and waits until she finally looks at him again.

“What do you think?” He asks, cringing at how desperate his voice sounds.

“What do _you_ think?” She answers, shaking her head. “What do you want me to say, Dan?”

“I want you to say exactly what you think,” he pleads.

“I think you’re just confused, that this is a phase,” she answers truthfully, and Dan feels like the life just got knocked out of him.

“The moon has phases, mum, I don’t. I’ve done more than a little experimentation to know that this isn’t a _phase_. I have a boyfriend and I’ve sucked dick and I like it. What’s temporary about any of that?”

“Don’t be so explicit, Daniel, your brother’s in the house.” She commands, and Dan shakes his head.

“My brother knows I like dick, mum. Someone called his friend a _twink_ some months ago and with how curious he is I wouldn’t be surprised if he already watched porn. Besides, he’s almost thirteen now. We should agree to stop babying him, don't you think? When you’re in denial shit blows up.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” she orders, and Dan curtly nods.

  There’s a pause and she huffs, takes a sip of the cup of tea she’d left discarded in the coffee table.

“Do you want to say anything?” Dan asks, trying to keep his tone as steady as he can.

“What is there to say?” She answers, but quickly changes her question when it becomes evident in her son’s face that there are, in fact, a lot of things to say. “What do you want me to say?”

  And a million thoughts cross Dan’s mind all at once, things and ideas all come crashing like waves to the shore and he feels sick. The room starts spinning and he’s not sure that he can do this all of sudden.

 _That you’re okay with this, with me,_ Dan thinks. _That you’ll try to understand and that you still love me. That this isn’t the end and that we’ll be okay._

“That you don’t hate me,” Dan says, instead of all he wants to say. “Just say that you don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” his mother answers, and even though it feels a little forced Dan breathes in relief. “But I don’t get you, either, and I don’t think any of this is correct.”

  Dan spares a glance at the discarded Bible and huffs.

“I like makeup, too,” he states, before it’s too late. “Phil’s older brother’s girlfriend, Cornelia, taught me how to make winged eyeliner. And how to apply mascara, and eyeshadows, and cool shit like that.”

“You can date boys all you want to, but don’t you dare ask me to call you by any other name than the ones you were assigned at birth, Daniel, because I have son and not a daughter.”

“I won’t, chill,” Dan breathes out, tries to shake off the feeling of rejection. “You have a son that likes boys and makeup, mum. Does that sit right with you?”

  She stays silent.

“It doesn’t,” she answers, and Dan wants to cry.

“Too bad things are what they are,” he says, at last. There’s a sudden urge to apologize but he doesn’t want to, doesn’t feel like he should because there’s nothing to apologize for.

  Dan stands up, tries to shake off all of the emotions he’s feeling right now.

“That’s all I have to say,” he admits, and she shrugs, makes a hand motion for him to proceed and so he leaves.

  He goes back to his room and texts Phil, asks him for a Skype call.

  He feels lighter, happier. He’s painfully aware that this isn’t the end, and it isn’t even close to being it. There are dozens of other people he wants to come out to, family and friends alike, he will have to face different reactions over and over and even after that he’ll have to face the occasional jerk who will try to make him feel like utter shit for just existing. It will be hard, and he’ll have to bruise and heal and keep walking. He’ll have to talk to his mum over and over until she gets him, or decides to just let him be, and he’ll have to smile and sit through every single one of her lectures.

  He’ll have to deal with his identity and his sexuality and all of the weird shit his brain makes, he knows, but it’ll be alright. He hopes it will be alright. He hopes for a lot of things, actually, thinks so much and sometimes doesn’t stop. Things get really bad and become overwhelming when his brain refuses to shut up.

  But right now, with Phil on a screen in front of him and years of youth ahead of him, he thinks he can do this. He doesn’t need to do it all at once, he’s almost positive rushing things will just make it worse. He can do this, keep walking with small baby steps, one at a time until there is nothing else for him to walk through and he can just stand with pride.

  He can do this and he will do this, and one day he’ll be happy and confident and his life will be great. He just has to hang on a little bit more.

  Phil’s head pops up in the screen before him and Dan smiles, waves as his heartbeat speeds.

  Here, with this man right next to him and a lifetime of opportunities ahead of him, he knows he can manage it.


End file.
